PARENTING: Building Boundaries through Love, Understanding and Mindfulness

Parenting, as with other jobs requires the maintenance of boundaries. It is important to remember that this process is developed through unconditional love, empathy and compassion. Looking to be a mentor or guide rather than an authoritative figure in your child’s life helps to create a mutually respective relationship where trust is also present. This is a good time to assess what your boundaries may look like now. Are they too harsh to the point where your children are not comfortable sharing with you or are they blurred to the point where they may look like the below:

● Doing for your child what he can (or should) do for himself.

● Constantly asking questions; interrogating your child over everything.

● Letting your child invade your boundaries as a couple—making your kids the centre focus at all times.

● Over-sharing with your child about your life; treating them like a friend rather than your child.

● Giving up your parental authority and allowing your child to take control of the household. ● Living through your child vicariously; feeling as if their achievements are yours, and their failures are yours as well.

● Your child is upset, and you fall apart. (Pincus, 2017).

Parenting is truly a dynamic process which must ebb and flow with life. As part of that flow, you, as a parent should also benefit from acknowledging moments of misstep or what we may consider a mistake. Throughout this process, you will experience many ups and downs. An important point to remember is doing your best to avoid criticizing your children in front of other people (family, strangers). A child’s privacy is important as is valuing their own opinions and actions.

Dr. Shapiro, a mindfulness researcher and psychologist stated:

“Being human is not a big self-improvement project. When we start acknowledging mistakes, instead of shaming ourselves or our children, it creates a spaciousness and a sense of ease and relief, knowing it’s OK to be imperfect.” ​ (Suttie, 2014)

Throughout this process, you will experience many ups and downs. Please try to remember that you should do your best to avoid criticizing your children in front of other people (family, strangers). A child’s privacy is important and you must understand that they are individuals who grow up and go into the world as an individual with their own opinions and actions.

How does mindfulness help? Before being able to set boundaries with your children, it is important that you have an understanding of your own values and expectations of your child. Once this has been internalized, the process of consistently maintaining your boundaries becomes easier because you are mindful of where you will not allow your child to cross.

Once again, it is important to remember that maintaining boundaries is not meant to keep your child out. Rather, it is meant to help your child develop their own understanding of how to relate to you and to the world in a safe and effective manner which is true to themselves. To achieve this, you need to show your child that even though you are the parent and there are certain decisions which you make (ex. When you leave for school) there are other things which they can take the lead on such as deciding where to go for a fun day out with the family or deciding what to have for dinner once a month. By doing so, you are showing your child that even though you are the adult, you are not a dictator or controlling authority with immovable boundaries. You are teaching your child flexibility and respect of individual autonomy while maintaining a comfortable level of respect.

Finally, after all of this information, know that there is no right way to build boundaries. It all depends on the dynamics between you and your child. Learning to understand and accept each other for who you are as individuals is a constant work in progress. Keep being mindful and grounded in your interactions

References:

Pincus, D. (2017). Parental Roles: How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Child. Retrieved from https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parental-roles-how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-with-y our-child/

Suttie, J. (2014, June 16). Mindful Discipline for Kids. ​Mind and Body Articles. ​ Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/mindful_discipline_shauna_shapiro

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