Discipline or Punishment

“Yelling silences your message. Speak quietly so your children can hear your words instead of just your voice” L.R. Knost There are many joys to being a parent. Watching your child grow and interact with their environment is rewarding. Part of being a parent is also ensuring that your child learns when certain behaviours can be dangerous or inappropriate for the situation. However there are times when stepping in is necessary. It is at this point when parents are at a crossroad – do you punish or discipline? What is the difference? Discipline is about teaching. It comes from the Latin word ​disciplina ​ (​teaching, learning or instruction​), and ​discipulus ​ (​discipline, pupil​) (Parenting from Brain, 2017). Punishment is about controlling/regulating a child’s behaviour through fear. It is from the Latin word ​poena ​ (which gives us pun and pen such as penal and punishment). Discipline is about teaching your child in order to modify future behaviours whereas punishment looks to bring negative attention to past behaviours. The concept of discipline is not easy, but there are elements which you can bring in to make the process effective and less stressful for you and your child. Punishment is forcing a child to stop what they are doing without explanation and is a painful experience for the child. Verbal and physical punishment are simply not effective in the long term. Children learn to resent you as a parent while also not knowing why they are being punished resulting in the unwanted behaviour being repeated over and over again. Punishment, Anger and Fear: The most important aspect of discipline or teaching is that it should never be conducted through the lens of anger or irritation. If so it becomes punishment, which is not effective due to the element of fear. Fear should never be used as a means of controlling a child - especially a young child. Irreparable damage can be caused to the way a child relates to the world if their primary caregivers (parents) use fear because it can feel like a life threatening situation. In addition, stress to a child over a long period of time can lead to serious issues such as: ● Brain shrinkage (can lead to learning and memory issues) ● Suppressed immune system ● Hypertension (high blood pressure) ● Depression ● Anxiety Disorder Always be aware of any mental baggage you are bringing with you while you are trying to discipline your child. How can Mindfulness be used to discipline your child: As part of the disciplinary process, it is important that parents always approach their child with unconditional love and patience. This process is all about trying to help teach your child right from wrong. Children need to understand that they will always be loved and that this act of discipline does not mean they are no longer loved. Unconditional love, empathy and patience from you as a parent should be brought forward when helping your child navigate why they are being disciplined. Consistency, firmness and respect (Slim, 2013) is also key. It is important to maintain consistency and keep disciplining and explaining why you are disciplining them for that particular behaviour until your child begins to understand. When disciplining is done in a firm yet respectful manner, the child, in turn sees that they are being valued and respected as an individual and not simply being forced into compliance.

Discipline aims to show a child what is right and wrong while also helping them to learn to reflect about their own behaviour. Mindful reflection will help children understand appropriate behaviour - not through fear but through understanding. Mindfulness is the way in which we slow ourselves down so that each thought and each action is purposeful and becomes a teachable moment. Scenario: You always ask your son to put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket. You keep asking him to put his clothes in the basket, but he just won’t listen and repeatedly throws his dirty clothes on the floor. He expects that you will pick them up and put them in the basket yourself. Example of what punishment may look like: After repeatedly asking your son to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you lose your temper and shout at him. Your choice of words is harsh and you end up threatening that if he does not do as you say, his privileges (TV, video games, going out with friends) will be taken away indefinitely. Example of what discipline may look like: After repeatedly asking your son to put away his dirty laundry he refuses. You take a deep breath and firmly explain the consequences of his actions. Firmly but kindly telling him that only the clothes in the basket will be washed and nothing else. This will let your son know your boundary. After a few days of wearing dirty clothes to school, your son will remember where to put his clothes when they need washing. As a parent, your job will be to ​consistently ​remind your child that only clothes in the bag will be washed. Likewise, try using this example on a situation you may have at home. Perhaps your child is not doing their homework. How would you use this example? The important point is that you bring in an explanation of consequence. What will happen if they do not do their homework in the long run? References: Discipline and Punishment – What is the Difference?​ (n.d.). Retrieved from https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/content/dam/pubs_ext_vt_edu/350/350-111/350-111_pdf.pdf #mindfulness #mindful #sati #mindfulparenting #satuppada