Autopilot Parenting

It happens to the best of us.

What does Auto Pilot really mean? Going into autopilot means that we are relying on old patterns of behaviour which have been practiced so much that we can perform them without thinking about it. Perhaps they were pertinent at first, but months or years later these parenting techniques may not work anymore for a number of reasons. Situations change, children grow and so do you.

There is also an equally high potential for auto pilot parenting to be quite dangerous. It can harm the relationship you are trying to build with your children. You need to take the time to explain what you are doing (ie. discipline, praise etc) because your children don’t know your intentions if they are not clearly communicated. It can be common to rely on auto pilot parenting, especially when you are stressed, pressed for time or tired. Instead of thinking about the situation, it is easier to resort to behaviours which you have been practicing for many months or years.

How does going into autopilot work? If you look at it from a learning point of view, think about learning a skill. At the start, we are meticulous about each step required to master that skill. Each time we need to perform, we think carefully about what we are doing. As time goes on and we master each step, we think less and do more. It becomes automatic and we do not have to engage our conscious mind as much. The subconscious mind takes over and soon we are performing that skill without thinking.

How can mindfulness help stop autopilot parenting?

An example of going into Auto Pilot Parenting

You are getting ready in the morning and your child is picking at her breakfast. She isn’t eating fast enough for you. It is time to leave and you quickly rush her out the door and drop her off at school. You go off to work. Mid-day you get a call from the school asking you to pick up your daughter. She has a very high temperature and needs to go to a doctor soon. How did you miss this?

Without Mindfulness: Your daughter always grumbled at mealtime and you assumed that today was no different. In your rush to be on time, you failed to also notice other signs of illness such as her lethargic nature and flushed face.

With Mindfulness: Even though your daughter was a grumbler and poor eater, taking a moment to be present would have allowed you to pick up signs that she was ill.

Adopt the habit of giving a verbal commentary of your day. Talk to your child about what you are doing (even if it is really simple such as “Mommy is going to wash the dishes now” or “Daddy is going to pack your lunch for school”), give early warning when you are about to do something new (like going for a nap or getting ready to leave the house). This process will make your child feel more involved and aware of what is going on in their surroundings.

#autopilot #mindfulness #sati #mindfulparenting